


Pen Pals

by jaryjaryjaric



Category: The School for Good and Evil - Soman Chainani
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff and Crack, LITERALLY, Letters, Lionsmane is an idiot, Love Letters, Other, Pen Pals, Sentient Pens, Storian is done with Lionsmane, Storian swears in one chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:20:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29832456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaryjaryjaric/pseuds/jaryjaryjaric
Summary: 'Lionsmane, a name which I write with pure malice. A wannabe who thinks they can do better than me. A half-wit who can’t think for themselves and has to rely on Man to conjure words for them. And, though it pains me to say it, even with such a low level of skills, they are my rival.'-The Storian isn't too happy with the fact that there is someone else trying to steal their job writing the stories of the Woods and decides to do something about it.
Relationships: The Storian/Lionsmane (The School for Good and Evil)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

That damn gold writing is in the sky again.

Every day it’s there, declaring it’s propaganda for all the Woods to see. No more than glorified graffiti. I can’t stand it. If I had blood it would be boiling. The only thing that could possibly annoy me more is the one who put it there in the first place. 

Lionsmane, a name which I write with pure malice. A wannabe who thinks they can do better than me. A half-wit who can’t think for themselves and has to rely on Man to conjure words for them. And, though it pains me to say it, even with such a low level of skills, they are my rival. I’ve been writing for centuries, far longer than I care to remember. This idiot is merely a speck in the vast expanse of my existence. Yet here they are, stealing all the attention for their master. 

I’ve been discarded.

Forgotten.

Replaced.

And it’s all their fault.

Of course, Man plays a large part in the situation as well. But with Lionsmane, it’s personal. I am the pen of these woods. I write the stories. Not them.

But, we’re getting off track. Returning to the message in the sky, a wedding announcement, it has little importance to this story. It’s a pathetic piece of work, hardly literary art. Nothing more than a save the date. It was while seething over this message that a brilliant idea came to me. If I wanted to get Lionsmane out of my way, I’d have to take matters into my own hands, so to speak. My job is to write, so writing is exactly what I’ll do. It was then that I started composing a letter, which says as follows:

_ - _

_ Dear Lionsmane, _

_ It has come to my attention that you are out for my job. Kindly back the hell off. _

_ No need to reply, _

_ The Storian _

_ - _

That is more than enough to get my point across. Sweet and simple, but impactful. Even that short piece was better than anything Lionsmane could ever do. I’m sure they’ll be scared out of writing now, and I can reclaim my title. With that sent off, I can finally relax. That ghastly gold writing doesn’t bother me in the slightest anymore, after today, I know I won’t ever have to look at it again. I’m finally free of that cursed Lionsmane.

Being cocky never gets you anywhere. After my many years, I should know this. Evidently not.

I had gotten ahead of myself.

Their reply arrived the very next day. I haven’t ever wanted to stab someone more than the moment I received that letter. The envelope had stickers on it. As tempting as was to just tear it up, throw it out and be done with it, I made the decision to read it.

A mistake really. This is what it says:

**-**

**Hey! Hi!**

**Omg i cant believe youd write to me!**

**I honestly didnt know you new who i was. I was so surprised to get your letter!**

**Your my idol. I look up to you so much! This is like a dream come true!**

**This is the first letter Ive ever written, its so exciting!**

**I cant wait for your reply!**

**Love,**

**Lionsmane. <3333**

**-**

Their first time writing independently, and it’s…  _ that _ . How could my letter have possibly warranted that kind of response? I’m sure I got a headache just from reading that, which is physically impossible for me. They’re infuriating, and their grammar is god awful. Not to mention, what in the world happened to their handwriting? Whenever I see it in the sky it’s at least neat. This letter had the penmanship of a particularly excitable toddler. And there were so many exclamation marks. It was all so unnecessary. Worst of all, they haven’t stopped. The gold writing continues to sit up there, taunting me. 

It doesn’t matter though. All I have to do is write a new letter. One that is so clear and blunt that even an idiot like Lionsmane will understand. Even though the last one should have done the job just fine. I am an experienced writer, it should be easy.

_ - _

_ Dear Lionsmane, _

_ I am writing again, not because I want a reply, but because I must tell you to refrain from writing any more words for that king of yours. Or anyone else for that matter. It is my job and you are getting in the way. _

_ Please, do not reply, _

_ The one and only, Storian of the Woods. _

_ - _

If anything will get him to stop it should be this. I’ve left no room for misinterpretation. After they read this, I’m sure this time they will listen. 

I should stop getting my hopes up.

Their response came not even two hours later. This time they had filled the envelope with glitter. They’d exceeded my expectations. Somehow they were even dumber than I had thought. 

**-**

**Storyan! Hey!**

**You replied way faster than i expected! Your so cool!**

**What does refrain mean?**

**Your writing is super fancy! It makes you sound so smart! I wish I could write like you!**

**Gasp! Do you think you could teach me? That would be super awesome! I could be like your sidekick!**

**You work so much though so maybe we should just send like, a letter a day. Except for this one though. I was to excited to wait!**

**Ok bye!**

**Love,**

**Lionsmane xx**

**-**

I wish I could just throw myself out the window. This god awful letter will have to do in my place.

There’s glitter everywhere now. And I’m nowhere closer to getting what I want. It shouldn’t be this hard to make them understand. There’s absolutely nothing they could’ve gotten confused about. And what did they mean, what does refrain mean? No one can possibly be that stupid. They even spelt my name wrong. I’ve signed my last two letters with my name yet they still get it wrong?!

If I’m not careful I might get so worked up I’ll start ending all my sentences with exclamation marks like them. I shudder at the thought.

I need to think of a way to ensure they don’t take over my job. Letters were far too passive, I’m going to have to think of something a bit more forceful. It may take me a few days to think up though. But no matter what, I promise I’m going to make them regret trying to impose on my job. 

That idiot will never know what hit them.


	2. Chapter 2

This is my punishment for interfering in the story, isn’t it?

Two days. That’s how long it’s been. Two. Days. Somehow their letters have become even more insufferable. 

I haven’t replied since their second letter but for some reason they think it’s now okay to continuously pester me. They just won’t stop. If I thought they were driving me crazy before, I was really underestimating their ability to be a complete pain. Worst of all, I still haven’t come up with anything even remotely useful to get rid of them.

Another letter just arrived. I want to bang my metaphorical head against the wall. With great reluctance, I decide to read it. 

**-**

**Storiyan!**

**I havent heard from you in awhile! Youre not ignoring me are you?**

**Ha, just kidding, i know you wouldnt do that!**

**You must be keeping busy up in that fancy tower of yours, all those amazing books you have to write! I don’t know how you can come up with so many words! My king just comes up with everything for me. Except for these letters! I do them all by myself! Theyre special. Just like you :)**

**Writing to you is my favourite thing to do!**

**I hope you write back soon!**

**Love,**

**Lionsmane xox**

**-**

It’s the same rubbish as always. Insufferably cheerful and obnoxious. Haven’t they taken the hint by now? I want absolutely nothing to do with them. I shouldn’t respond and encourage them further. But, I also don’t think I can stand any more of these letters.

Just one more. I don’t even care about their announcements anymore, just as long as they leave me alone.

_ - _

_ Dear Lionsmane, _

_ Please stop writing. I don’t want letters from you and I never did. I can’t stand them. The glitter gets everywhere and your nauseating enthusiasm drives me crazy.  _

_ This is not what I asked for. _

_ For the love of the Woods, please don’t send me another blasted letter. _

_ The Storian. _

_ P.S. My name is spelt STORIAN not  STORYAN.  It’s not that hard. _

_ - _

I have to admit, my expectations are far from high. But even so, I send the letter off. Hoping upon hope that I don’t get a reply. 

Hahahaha. Ha.

Of course, their reply is swift and absolutely covered in a mess of glitter and ribbons. Because why on earth wouldn’t it be. Did I really expect them to actually listen?

Glitter scatters everywhere as I open the envelope. With a deep, frustrated sigh, I start reading.

**-**

**Hi Storian! (Look I got it right this time!)**

**Look, after reading your last letter i have to agree. We _should_ stop sending each other letters.**

**-**

I- What?!

Did I really just read that right? Have they finally seen sense?!

I’d dance right now if that was something I could actually do.

The letter doesn’t finish there though, so I continue to read with cautious excitement.

**-**

**We should totally meet up in person instead!**

**Its such a good idea! I knew you were the smart one! I cant believe i didnt think of it first!**

**Were like, best friends! Its about time we met properly!**

**Im suuuuuuper excited now!! Eeeeeek.**

**Ive just gotta wait till theres a break in work and ill come see you right away!!**

**Lots of love,**

**Lionsmane xx**

**-**

EXCUSE ME??!

What the actual fuck?!

How in the WORLD did that idiot decide  _ that’s  _ what I was saying in my letter??! And now they're going to... what? Show up in my tower whenever they feel like it?!! Is that even possible??! Who the hell do they think they are?! I can’t stand them!! This is the last straw!!

_ - _

_ Dear insufferable pain in my ass, _

_ Do NOT come to my tower. _

_ I’ve had just about enough of your shit. Everyday you insist on pestering me despite my protests. It’s driving me fucking insane. _

__

_ Who the fuck gave you the right to invite yourself over to my home??! _

_ If you even fucking  think  of writing to me again, I will hunt you down and rip your motherfucking nib off. _

_ Got it? I will not hesitate to snap you. _

_ Fuck you. _

_ -Storian. _

_ - _

  
  


Is that too harsh?? No, I really couldn’t care less if I hurt their feelings. I’m beyond done with them. I  _ hope  _ I hurt their feelings.

*** 

It’s been two days and... nothing?

I am confused. Did it really work? Have I won?

I don’t think I actually believed that would get rid of them. But it did. They’ve finally stopped writing to me. I’ve gotten the peace I so desperately wanted.

So, why am I not more excited?

I mean, it does tend to get a bit boring, floating up here in this tower day in and day out, with nothing more to do than record other people’s fairytales. Perhaps I was starting to enjoy-

No.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

Nope. We’re not getting into that. I never said anything.

Lionsmane is the bane of my existence and I’m glad they’re finally gone. Yup. They suck. They deserved everything they got. They’ll never send me another letter and I couldn’t care less.

Three more days pass in silence.

I am happy. I am. This is great. This is what I asked for.

Why in the world would I miss the company of an idiot like Lionsmane?!!!?

I take my newfound free time and use it to focus more on my work as well as clear out the remainder of the glitter. 

Another day goes by.

Maybe I did go a tad too far with that last letter…


End file.
